All of Me eBook

Aiden O’Connell—exonerated, determined, steadfast, and brokenhearted.

 I tried to stand by him. I failed. After the attack, my mind altered. I couldn’t see anything but my ex—all men are the same.

Our love now gone. Everything is harder.

His father totally out of control, I have signs of PTSD, and an unexpected death makes everything change in ways we couldn’t have predicted.

Life with Aiden was never meant to be easy, but now maybe it can move forward for us both…

Jeni

Crashing sounds of heavy thunder roll and boom above me, shaking the windows, letting me know a storm’s overhead. With every deafening bang, I jolt a little more, my body and head suffering from all the sobbing.

I’ve been holed up in this room for the past week, lying in bed with no motivation to do anything other than cry. But with that persistent thunder above me, I realize there’s no point staying in bed. So, I sit slowly and slide my feet to the plush carpeted floor. My legs heavy as I drag them, my mind numb.

When I reach my bedroom door, I roll my eyes at the sound of Sarah and Chris giggling in the other room. If I didn’t need to go to the bathroom, I wouldn’t leave the sanctity and safety of the bedroom. I don’t want to deal with them or anyone else. The pain of being without Aiden is almost too much to bear. As I open my door, it squeaks, alerting them to my presence. Silence falls on both Sarah and Chris, making me painfully aware that I am a burden on them.

Not bothering to look in their direction, I stumble to the bathroom. The stark difference of the cold tiles on my feet makes me feel something—at least I know I’m not dead. I take a moment to splash cold water on my face to help soothe my swollen red eyes. The face looking back at me in the mirror is still slightly bruised from the beating Jason gave me. My eyes are vacant and dull, and my hair is a tangled, oily mess.

I look terrible.

But I don’t care.

I don’t care about anything.

I haven’t spoken to Aiden since I gave him his engagement ring back, leaving him on his knees at the apartment. After the tenth call from him, I turned my phone off.

It’s all I can do to not think about him. I’m already fucked up and thoughts of him just make me feel worse.

I miss him.

I do.

If I saw him, it would be too much.

My head is doing me in.

I’m not strong enough.

The thought of having to feel anything at the moment scares me to death. So, here I am, hiding in the bathroom at Sarah’s. It’s too much sometimes to see and hear her with Chris, but at least I don’t have to face Aiden or the apartment that holds my haunted memories.

Drying my face, I walk to the dining room where Sarah and Chris are eating lunch. They glance at me, then quickly turn away. I don’t think they know what to say. I don’t blame them, though.

Pouring myself a glass of water, I then shuffle to the living room and wrap myself in the brown fleece blanket that is draped over the suede loveseat. I sink into the soft cushions, and sip on my glass of water, staring blankly out the window.

It’s dark and dreary—the only light is from the occasional flash of lightning. Ominous black clouds roll above as a chilling wind howls through the rain that’s pouring heavily on the ground—it’s perfectly fitting for how I’m feeling.

Sarah’s sudden hand on my leg combined with a crack of thunder, startles me, pulling me out of my thoughts. Turning my attention to her, I see the concern in her eyes, but she doesn’t say anything. That’s one of the many things I love about her. She can simply be here for me, no words needed.

“I didn’t think being without Aiden would hurt this much,” I mumble under my breath as another roar of thunder cracks above the house.

She wraps her arm around me. “Jeni, sweetie, if being without him hurts this much, then maybe, if you search deep down, you know this isn’t right.”

“I know what you’re saying is true, but I can’t be with him. I can’t. I just…” My eyes flood with tears again, and my bottom lip trembles.

“Okay. Jeni, it’s all right.” She strokes my hair.

“I’m sorry,” I murmur.

“What for?”

“For being like this. I can’t seem to shake this overwhelming feeling of dread.”

She looks at me sympathetically. “Sweetie, take as much time as you need. You know Chris and I are here to support you, no matter what. We love you.” Sarah holds me while I continue to cry on her shoulder.

Sarah’s been such a great friend to me over the past week, staying with me the nights I cry myself to sleep, bringing me food, even though I hardly eat, not to mention all the times she has spent just lying next to me on the bed for comfort. Poor Chris is probably sick of me occupying her time, taking her away from him. I absolutely hate myself for everything right now.

Suddenly, the landline rings, which is rare, making Sarah and I jump as we look over at the phone.

Chris stands, walks over, and hoists it to his ear. “Hello…

“Hey, dude, how are you?” His voice is tense.

“Yeah, guessed as much.” Chris runs his hand through his hair.

“She…um… she’s not good.” He looks down at me, assessing my mood, and I know immediately it’s Aiden. My heart skips a beat.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Not yet, anyway…” He pauses for a moment. “I know, man, she’s miserable, too.” Still looking at me, his brows crease, and a frown appears on his face. I swallow hard, knowing they’re talking about me. I want to hear Aiden’s voice, but at the same time, I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole—take me away from this misery I am feeling.

“To be honest, I don’t know. She’s pretty wrecked.” Chris tries to keep his voice low, but I hear everything as he turns his back to me while talking quietly. “Yeah, I will. Take care of yourself. You have my phone number if you need to talk. Anytime, man.”

“Yeah, I’ll tell her.” He exhales. “All right, see ya.” He hangs the phone up on the wall.

Sarah gazes at Chris while I sigh, staring into space, feeling nothing but numb. For some reason, I feel guilty knowing Aiden was right there within reach, yet I didn’t attempt to talk to him.

I’m conflicted.

Am I stupid?

I miss him so much, yet I can’t bring myself to talk to him.

I know if I do, I’ll want to fall straight back into his arms, knowing I can’t.

I’m too much of a mess.

My head doesn’t feel right.

“Jeni,” Chris says cautiously, making me look over at him. “That was Aiden. He said…” Chris chooses his words carefully, “… he said to tell you that he loves and misses you.”

I stare blankly.

Sarah pulls my face with her hands, so I look directly at her. I flinch because it hurts my fractured eye socket. “Jeni, this is ridiculous! You love him. He loves you. What’s the damn issue?”

“Sarah!” Chris yells.

“No, Chris, don’t chastise me. Jeni needs to wake up. This is craziness. Why on earth are you avoiding him?”

I shake my head. “Because he wasn’t… he wasn’t there,” I say quietly, knowing it’s not logical.

She furrows her brows in confusion. “Wasn’t where, Jeni?”

“He left… left our apartment. Then Jason did… well, this.” I point to my face.

She cocks her head to the side. “So, how exactly was Aiden supposed to know that stupid, pathetic son of a bitch, Jason, would do this to you? How is this Aiden’s fault? Explain it to me, Jeni? Because you’re acting seriously deranged right now,” Sarah yells, clearly frustrated.

Sarah doesn’t get it, so I glare at her. “It. Just. Is!” My frustration is showing again because my mind and heart are at odds with each other right now.

Flying up from the seat, I storm to my room. Quite fittingly, another clap of thunder sounds. Slumping on my bed, I curl up into a ball in an attempt to hold myself together before I truly fall apart.

I fear if I let go, if I give in, it will break me permanently.

A firm knock taps at my door. “Jeni?” I hear Chris ask.

Even though I want to ignore him, I know I need to talk to someone. “Come in,” I tell him as I sit up on my bed. He walks in, then cautiously edges down on the mattress which dips beneath his weight.

“Jeni, I know you blame Aiden for what happened, and I see where you’re coming from, but don’t you think you should at least talk to him? You owe him that much... I’ll come with you, if you feel uncomfortable going on your own. I think he needs to see and hear from you personally whether or not you want your relationship to be over.”

Chris is making sense, and his offer of going with me is tempting. “I know. I want to see him, but I’m afraid if I do, I’ll give in and go running back into his arms.”

Chris raises an eyebrow. “Is that such a bad thing?”

“Yes! Aiden left me vulnerable. If he hadn’t left, then I wouldn’t be here now, miserable and unhappy. I trusted him, Chris, I trusted Aiden to keep me safe. He promised me… he promised he would keep me safe.”

Chris shakes his head, and I know what he’s thinking. Even to me it sounds, as Sarah so eloquently put it, deranged. But I have no idea how to change these feelings rolling around inside my mind. How do you shift something so ingrained in you, even though you know it’s completely irrational?

“Jeni, I really think you need to talk this out with Aiden. He deserves that much.”

I swallow hard because I know Chris is right.

Aiden does deserve that much from me.

“Okay,” I reply hesitantly.

He half smiles. “Good. When would you like to go?”

My heart is saying now, right now, but my mind says never.

“I’ll get dressed. Can we go now?” I plead.

Chris nods his head. “Of course, Jeni, I’m here for the both of you.” Chris leans in and caresses my shoulder in a comforting way, and for some reason which I can’t explain, Chris is the only man who can come near me. I manage a half smile, and he stands, leaving my bedroom for me to change.

Finding my comfy gray sweatpants and pink sweater, I get dressed and put on some sneakers before walking to the dining room. I have so many mixed emotions. Finally seeing Aiden fills me with anxiousness. In a way, I feel like my soul’s been dying without him. But I’m terrified. Going back to that apartment, where this mess started, has me scared out of my mind.

Maybe he can bring me back to life? I quickly squash that thought. I can’t seem to get past the fact he wasn’t there, and even to me that thought sounds strange. Why is my mind being like this? Why am I torturing myself? Deep down I know this has to be some form of Post-traumatic stress disorder. Maybe I’m projecting, putting my anger about Jason onto Aiden. I’m probably going insane, or worse, I’ve become some demented fool who belongs in an institution.

But for some reason, the way I’m looking at it, it’s the only thing making sense in my mind.

Aiden was supposed to be in the apartment.

Aiden left.

Jason came in.

Jason hurt me.

That’s the only scenario running through my mind, and I can’t get past that endless cycling loop.

Chris places his hand on my lower back, and we rush to his car, getting soaked in the process. Chris keeps peering over at me while he drives, his concern for me is warranted. I know I’m not in a good headspace. I know I’m not thinking clearly. But what can I do about it?

Maybe seeing Aiden and talking to him will change things. Maybe Aiden can help me understand why I’m thinking this way? I don’t want to be like this anymore. I love Aiden, and that will never change.

Pulling into the parking garage, I muster all the energy I have to steady my nerves, or at least, make an effort to do so as Chris gets out of the car. Taking deep, calming breaths, I watch as he walks around to my door where he takes my hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. Stepping to the elevator, the panic flooding my veins suddenly overwhelms me.

I turn to Chris shaking my head adamantly. “I can’t do this,” I blurt out, pulling out of his grip and backing toward the car.

“Jeni. Stop!” Chris urges. He takes hold of my arm at the elbow and halts me in my tracks. “Jeni, listen to me… you need to see him. Tell him how you feel, and then you can either move on or start to work things out. He deserves to know either way. It’s the right thing to do for you and for Aiden.”

Despite feeling like my heart is ready to burst, I know Chris is right. With a deep sigh, I gather any remaining courage and walk with Chris back to the elevator. Stepping in, I use my key card, and he lets go of my hand to wrap his arm around my shoulders, holding me tightly to him for support. It’s in this moment I realize how lucky I am to have Chris in my life. Typically, Sarah is the one to help ground me, but right now, she doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. Hell, I don’t even understand half of it. But Chris, he’s here, not judging, just pushing for what I know needs to be done no matter how hard it is.

He’s like the brother I never had.

I’m grateful because he seems to be the key to keeping me together—my safe place.

“Remember, I’m right here beside you.”

I nod even though my brain is in overdrive. All I can focus on is keeping it together. As we near the apartment, my heart feels like it’s going to burst, and I realize something. This place, the energy tied to it with the recent events all boils down to the loss of something that was so incredibly amazing and with it, the trust and love that was once shared here.

The elevator stops, and so does my heart.

The doors open to a quiet and dark apartment.

Confusion rattles through my mind as we walk into the living room. Chris has yet to release me, and I’m grateful. I think it might be the only thing keeping me together right now. The lights are off, but through the windows, I see Aiden sitting on the balcony with his back facing us.

My breath catches at the sight of him.

There’s a nearly empty whisky bottle on the table and a small glass in his hand. He has a blanket wrapped around him. His hair is disheveled and not in a good way.

Chris starts to walk toward the balcony, taking me with him.

The thought of Aiden turning around and seeing me like this has me wanting to run. “I can’t,” I whisper as fear grips me.

Fear of being hurt?

Fear of me hurting him?

I’m terrified of feeling any more pain than I’ve already been put through. The torment is overwhelming every inch of my being. I am traumatized by my mind.

“Jeni, you have to,” Chris argues loudly. The frustration comes through clearly in his tone, which makes Aiden turn his head and look
straight at us.

Aiden’s eyes lock onto mine. His once beautiful sparkling blue eyes are now distant, dull, and full of anguish. He stares right at me, stands, dropping the blanket to the floor. He stumbles once, twice, trying to get inside, but he falls, breaking his whisky glass when he lands.

He struggles to get back to his feet, and then he staggers into the apartment toward Chris and me. The stench of whisky wafts off him in waves as he shuffles toward us.

I can’t move.

I’m stuck to the spot.

My body won’t allow me to do a thing.

I’m so happy to see him.

But devastated to see him this way.

He looks as broken as I feel, and I know I’m the reason for him being like this.

“Jeni,” Aiden whispers.

Chris looks at me and loosens his grip. In a panic, I take his hand, my eyes imploring him to stay, but he pulls away and heads to the balcony, leaving me alone with Aiden.

“You’re actually here? God, I miss you, baby,” Aiden slurs, stumbling toward me.

He looks terrible.

He hasn’t shaved for what looks like days and is wearing the same clothes he was wearing the day I left. “I love you s-so much,” he stutters, choking out his words.

My chest tightens, and I struggle to breathe. “Aiden… I…” He’s looking at me intently, waiting for me to finish my sentence, but I just shake my head. “You look terrible,” I state, and it makes him chuckle.

“Well, you look beautiful.”

I let out a long breath which sounds like a sigh. “Aiden, I don’t know what to say—”

“Say you love me!” His tone is desperate.

I close my eyes tightly as the pain in my chest becomes unbearable just by the mere mention of those words. I know he’s right—I do love him—there’s never been any doubt.

“Love’s never been the problem, Aiden.”

He takes a step closer. “I know, baby. I wish I could change what happened that day.”

I know what I’m about to say will hurt him, but for some reason I say it anyway. “I don’t think I can get past this.” The words are whisper quiet, but I know he heard me.

Aiden shakes his head emphatically. “Jeni, please come home. I’m a mess without you,” he begs, swaying, then falling to the floor in front of me.

“Aiden…”

He moves to get up, stumbles, and falls again.

Sadness washes over me—I’m the reason he’s like this—but I say the words I shouldn’t anyway, “You’re so drunk that you probably won’t even remember I was here.”

Aiden stands, takes a breath, then places his hands on my shoulders. “Jeni, I love you. You can’t leave me. I won’t let you.”

“You won’t let me?” I shove his hands off my shoulders defensively.

Aiden looks at me and backs away slightly as Chris rushes in from the balcony to assess the situation.

“You’re drunk and don’t even know what you’re saying. I love you. I will always love you. Nothing can change that, but I can’t be with you. Aiden, it’s over!” I walk toward the elevator as a loud thud bangs behind me, so I turn around and find Aiden’s fallen to his knees.

Chris rushes over to me as the color drains from Aiden’s face.

He sits with his head in his hands.

The sight breaks my heart into a thousand tiny broken shards.

He looks up at me, his eyes pleading. “Jeni, please. We can work this out. I love you so much. Please, please, please,” he continues to beg while we wait for the elevator.

Chris gives Aiden an understanding nod as he watches his best friend fall apart in front of him. Looking completely torn, Chris steps into the elevator with me. It can’t be easy for him having to choose a side right now. It doesn’t help that I’m lost, like I’m in some nightmare state and I’m trying desperately to wake up. I just can’t seem to figure out where the hell my life is going right now as my eyes stay on Aiden. As the doors slowly close, my heart pounds when I lose sight of him, and Chris wraps his arm around me.

I feel so fucking lost that I can hardly think. My knees are beyond weak. I have no energy left to keep myself functioning. My body collapses into Chris, and he holds me tight in his arms while trying to console me, but nothing works, forcing him to carry me to the car.

I don’t know what I expected by coming here.

A lifeline.

Something to help ease my troubled mind.

But all Aiden did was show me that when times get rough, we both fall apart.

Chris drives us back to Sarah’s house. My legs are cradled to my chest while I rock back and forth. I can’t cry anymore, but I’m sure if there were any tears left, I’d be a blubbering mess.

We pull into the driveway, and Chris manages to help me from the car, then ushers me inside the house. We walk past Sarah, and Chris shakes his head.

She frowns, rushing to my side. “Jeni, are you all right? Is there anything I can get you?”

I don’t reply, merely curling up on the sofa into a ball.

It hits me hard—I’m no longer with Aiden, we’ve officially broken up.

Numb, emotionless, and weak, I lay on the soft cushions. Sarah pulls down the blanket placing it over me as I zone out. She walks into the kitchen with Chris, and I overhear them whispering.

“What happened?”

“He was wasted. The idiot blew it.”

“What does that mean?”

“She broke it off with him.”

Sarah sighs as the landline rings, and she answers it. “Hello… hey, Aiden, I heard. How are you doing?” she asks. “Yeah, I think she means it. I’m sorry,” she offers, then I hear Chris take the phone. He starts to talk to Aiden, but I tune him out. Nausea washes over me, my body shaking. I’m overwhelmed and certainly not myself. Taking in a deep, slow, steadying breath, I try to bring myself back to something that resembles normal. The weight slightly lifts, and I hear Chris hang up the phone.

“It sounds like he’s a mess,” Sarah says quietly.

“You’ve no idea,” Chris replies.

I sit up on the sofa as my stomach lurches, my heart races, my mouth flooding with saliva. I stand and take off, racing to the bathroom, getting there just in time to expel the bile from my mouth into the bowl. I cough and splutter, my stomach twists and turns making me continually dry retch. I have no control over my body right now, and I feel like I’m losing a fight with my mind. Sarah’s hand touches my back, letting me know she’s there, comforting me while I continue to heave.

“Jeni, it’s going to be all right. Let it all out.” She rubs my back ever so gently.

I try to catch my breath and calm down. Eventually, my stomach starts to settle. I turn and slide down next to the bowl with my head in my hands. Sarah sits opposite me in the small room but says nothing, simply resting her hand on my knee in support. Eventually, we make our way to the bedroom.

She stays with me the entire night. The time passes slowly as I daze in and out of some sort of zombified state.

Eventually morning comes, and I wake to Sarah fiddling with my hair. I take in a deep breath and sit up slowly.

“Morning.” Sarah’s looks at me with her brows furrowed. The door of the bedroom creaks open, and Chris comes in to check on us.

“Morning,” I mumble to them both. “Sorry, Sarah,” I say, feeling guilty for keeping her here with me for the entire night.

“Hey, that’s what best friends are for.”

We both stand, and she walks with me arm in arm to the dining room where we take a seat.

“Thank you. I mean it.”

I feel slightly better than I did last night. At least my stomach isn’t churning, and although my chest is still hurting, my heart isn’t thudding out of control. Chris brings us both a cup of coffee and sits with us at the table.

Sarah takes my hand in hers. “Now that you have decided to end things with Aiden, have you thought about what you’re going to do? Maybe you should contact ADF and see if your old position is available? You need something to occupy your mind?”

My body sinks a little. “I think that’s a good idea, but I am pretty sure the
position’s been filled. I have some savings, but that’s not going to last,” I reply.

The landline rings again, and Chris gets up to answer. “I told you to call my phone, man,” Chris grumbles sternly. “Shit, sorry. Yes, of course, she’s right here. I’ll put her on.” He pulls a funny face and mouths, ‘sorry.’ “Jeni, it’s your mom.”

I exhale, sliding out my seat and walk over to the phone and have a conversation with my mom about how I ended it with Aiden and what I am going to do next. She kindly offers for me to work with her at her salon while I look for something I’m more suited to. After a few tears and some comforting words from my caring mother, I hang up and walk back to sit at the table with Sarah and Chris.

“I have a job, working at our moms’ salon,” I tell Sarah, who’s displaying a wide grin.

“Um… no offense, but you have no idea about beauty, nails, waxing, hair, makeup, body wraps, or—”

“Yes, I know, but I can learn, can’t I?” I interject, then take a sip of my coffee. “At least I have a semi-plan in place to get me back out into the big wide world and pay my way.” I sigh, holding the coffee mug in my hands.

Sarah wraps her arm around my shoulders and pulls me to her. “I’m proud of you, Jen.”

“What for?”

“For starting again. It’s hard, but if you’ve made your mind up, then I’m proud of you for getting yourself back out there.”

“Fuck no! I’m not dating if that’s what you mean. As a matter of fact, I’ll never date again. I’m going to be that old lady with seventy-five cats and a houseful of junk.”

Sarah laughs. “Sooo not what I meant. I mean getting out of bed and off the sofa. Slowly but surely, Jeni.”